The 12th Step

 A couple of weeks ago, the Bridge ministry lost a very special and amazing friend.  Denise Lee was one of the first people to understand and grab onto the vision of our ministry.  I believe one of the reasons for that is because of her own history and struggles as a young woman.  Denise was the one who sat at my kitchen table and named the ministry after a conversation with a woman where we told her we needed to help her bridge from where she was to where she needed to be. Denise was one of the founding board members of The Bridge Ministry. Oh, how I will miss her sweet smile and encouraging spirit!  Denise’s story can be best told through the 12 steps in the program she took very seriously, Celebrate Recovery. The last step says, “Having had a spiritual experience as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and practice these principles in all our affairs.” I believe that Denise’s influence on her family, friends, and even people she encountered briefly in this life will continue beyond the grave.  In a conversation with Nicole, her daughter, she said, “…mom became very regretful of what she didn’t get finished…I told her that just because you die, doesn’t mean your work doesn’t continue through others.” Denise’s message was a simple one…”Jesus is my best friend.” And her influence was greater than she could ever imagine. 

 Step 1  “We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors. That our lives had become unmanageable.” Like many people, Denise came to a relationship with Jesus late in life.  Her past involved so much pain and heartache, but in the midst of all of that she never lost her deep down desire for goodness and mercy.  She loved her parents and took care of them as they aged.  She had 2 beautiful children and she completely adored her grandchildren.   Denise reached a point where she realized that the actions of her past were not going to be something she wanted to carry into the future.  Pam Hughes was Denise’s sister-in-law and she had a wonderful influence in Denise’s life.  The first time I ever met Denise was in a Bible study at Pam’s house in 2008.  Denise was wondering what life with Jesus was like and Pam was lovingly guiding her to him.

ARE YOU LONGING FOR CHANGE FROM YOUR PAST?  WHO IS THE PERSON WHO CAN HELP GUIDE YOU?

Step 2  “We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” This is my favorite part of the story.  God likes to use unconventional people and unconventional ways to bring people to himself.  Enter Dan Huggins….an unconventional preacher.  The definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.”  Denise had always done “good things”.  She realized that something needed to change but was very skeptical of “church-y people”. 

 The short story is that Pam told Dan he needed to go meet her sister-in-law because she needed to meet a preacher who wasn’t “church-y”.  Dan showed up at Denise’s workplace and introduced himself.  That day he happened to be wearing a Hawaiian shirt and flip-flops.  Denise took one look at him and said, “you aren’t a preacher!”  After he finally convinced her that he was, she decided to show up to church on Sunday morning mostly out of sheer curiosity.  

 Steps 3, 4, 5 Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs. The following months were filled with conversations about the past, Jesus’ forgiveness, and the possibilities of the future.  Two of the questions Dan distinctly remembers her asking were “Do you think Jesus can love someone like me?  Do I have any hope?” Dan’s ability to relate to Denise’s past transgressions, share his own story of redemption, and point her toward the healer helped her make the decision that completely changed the trajectory of her life and influence. One day in 2009, Denise agreed to make Jesus her best friend by burying the old person she was and becoming a new creation through baptism.  I have never met a person who was more determined to grow spiritually than Denise Lee. It was a joy to witness.

ARE YOU WORKING ON GROWING SPIRITUALLY?  DO YOU OPERATE OUT OF GOD’S WILL OR YOUR OWN? 

 Steps 6,7, 8,  Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. When Denise joined Celebrate Recovery, she was determined to heal from her past.  She had not had substance use issues for years, but she knew she needed to work on many other things.  She admitted toxic relationships, a crippling low self-esteem, and many other hurts in life.  She made great strides to assess her own character defects and seek reconciliation.  To think the road to recovery is a straight, smooth, easy journey is about as naïve as it gets.  Everyone struggles along this road.  Pit stops occur.  We take wrong turns.  And we have to find a rest stop to reevaluate the journey that lies ahead.  Denise’s recovery was no different…. By 2018, Denise had been faithful in her walk with Jesus for almost 10 years.  She had overcome so many things.  Just when we think life has calmed down and we find a comfort level, Satan likes to come at us from a direction we never expect.  By this time, Denise had been instrumental in helping the “unconventional preacher” begin an “unconventional ministry” at the fairgrounds.  Refuge Church was the second ministry in which Denise had been a part of from its inception. For several years, Denise had shared with me and Dan that she feared her son’s marriage was in trouble.  After meeting with him on several occasions, Dan was convinced that he had substance abuse issues that were the foundation of the marital problems.  At that time, Denise, like many other loving parents, refused to believe that her child could have an addiction.  Any loving parent wants to see the best in their kids.  We want to focus on all the good in them and many times it is our nature to ignore the bad.  Codependency and denial when it comes to our children is a problem for many parents.

CAN YOU RELATE?  DO YOU HAVE A LOVED ONE WHOM YOU SUSPECT COULD BE AN ADDICT? 

 Steps 9&10 Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

Unfortunately, as time went on, the situation with Denise’s son did not improve.  She tried everything to fix him.  As in many friendships and especially as brothers and sisters in Christ, there came a point where Denise needed accountability.  The discussion about her enabling was uncomfortable and at the time resulted in a parting of the ways.  Denise was experiencing such new, fresh hurt.  It was new territory to inventory and a heartbreak like no other. We were sad to see her leave The Bridge and The Refuge, but we prayed for her all the time.  We also knew that Jesus was Denise’s best friend and He would see her through. It didn’t take long and we got the news that Denise was ready to start a third ministry in which she wanted us to be involved.  After some conversation, we all did exactly what step 9 says and we made direct amends.  We all examined ourselves and there was forgiveness all the way around.  She asked me and Dan to join her in guiding a new Celebrate Recovery ministry at Exchange Street Church of Christ. As a result of Denise’s influence and faith, 3 ministries are still going strong to this day. We all prayed that Celebrate Recovery with his mom would be the influence that Denise’s son needed. 

IN WHAT AREAS DO YOU NEED ACCOUNTABILITY?  WITH WHOM DO YOU NEED TO MAKE AMENDS? 

 Step 11 Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and power to carry that out. In 2020, the worst news ever came.  Denise’s son died of an overdose.  The news was crushing to everyone who knew him and especially to those of us who knew and loved the whole family. Two things could have happened at this point.  Denise could have given up. She could have blamed God.  She could have chosen to be bitter.  Instead, she chose hope.  Just like someone who was best friends with Jesus would do, Denise did not give up.  She used the story of her son to reach others.  She shared her testimony in numerous places.  She encouraged everyone who had set-backs not to stop.  Just readjust, turn around if you need to, and keep going.  She answered her own questions…Jesus can forgive anyone of anything.  And we all have hope in Him. 

 Step 12 Having had a spiritual experience as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and practice these principles in all our affairs.

Over the past couple of years that Denise battled cancer, I never saw her waiver in her positivity and reliance on Jesus.  When I would talk to her and try to give her encouragement, I was the one who would walk away more blessed.  Denise had a light inside her that shined.  I believe that all her life Jesus sought her knowing how special she was.  Once she gave her life to him, her light was like a beacon to so many people.  One of her long-time friends described her this way…   “Denise truly had, gave, and felt the deepest, most sincere, most genuine  love of anyone I ever knew.  If there was ANYTHING to love in someone, she found it and acted on it.”   I remember in her years working with The Bridge Ministry, we would all get frustrated.  After long discussions in board meetings she would look at me and say, “Don’t give up on her, Julie.  She reminds me of myself when I was that age.”  I won’t give up, Denise. You completed the ultimate step.  But I promise that your story will live on in those who knew you. We will continue to tell them about your best friend and how He refined the beauty and love that always existed in you.   See you in heaven!  

WHAT BEAUTY AND LOVE EXIST IN YOU?  WHAT’S KEEPING YOU FROM LETTING JESUS REFINE IT?